Monday, August 10, 2009

Stressful times

Last Friday I got a phone call from my dad. I immediately knew something was wrong. I had just talked to him Thursday to wish him a happy birthday. We normally talk about once a week so two calls in two days, well something was wrong. He said I’m sorry baby, but I’ve got some bad news. Big Momma passed away today. Big Momma was my dads mom. I knew it was coming since she has had a lot of health problems for many years, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks. I stayed strong for my dad on the phone, but was hurting so bad inside. I hadn’t seen her in over 15 years, and hadn’t talked to her in probably a month or so. She’s been weak and takes naps often so it’s hard to know when a good time to call is. She had been struggling with her breathing for a few weeks and my Aunt had been staying home with her since her problems had gotten worse. My Big Momma died in her bed with my Aunt holding her. It was a peaceful passing from what I’ve been told. Most importantly is that now she is no longer in constant pain.

This has been the first death that’s close to me since my mom died a few months after Jesse was born. My moms passing was a total shock to all of us. It had been over a year since I had seen her and she had never gotten to meet her first grandchild. My mom was my best friend and losing her was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. It was a very tough month when we lost her. We were traveling home for the funeral and everything else we needed to take care of and we were in a car accident that could have easily killed Tony, me, and Jesse. Anyway the point is that was the worst month of my life hands down. I think the only thing that could affect me more than that is if I lost a child. I didn’t deal with my moms death very well if even at all. I can honestly say that I don’t think I would have made it through my mom dying if it wasn’t for having Jesse to take care and live for. He is truly my whole world. I have pushed so much to the back of my mind and that is where it stays… for the most part. I have my times where I break down and just cry and grieve, but I feel I do a good job covering it all up. Tony doesn’t even know that I still can’t come to grips with it. The point of all this about my mom you ask. Well, lets just say that since getting the news of my grandmother on Friday I am now dealing with everything I have pushed back to the back of my mind.

My mind is in overdrive and it won’t stop. I’m not going to go into detail about everything running through my mind, but I will share a few things. Was my mom in pain when she died? I’m pretty sure she was and I just can’t deal with that fact. I hate to think that my moms last moments were in pain. I’m also scared of who I am going to lose next. You see they always say it comes in 3’s, well I’m not sure about 3’s, but about a month before we lost my mom we lost my Grandpa Jeff who was Big Mommas husband. Just a few months before we lost Grandpa we almost lost Big Momma. I was around 7 or 8 months pregnant with Jesse. Big Momma had a lot of problems and died on the table a few times. Doctors were obviously able to bring her back, but it was real sketchy for a while. I remember that I was pregnant because my dad didn’t want to tell me because he was scared that it would hurt the pregnancy. So anyway, back to my thoughts, who’s next? I’m normally not the kind of person who thinks it’s all about me so I’m sorry if it sounds like it. I’m not one for talking about my feelings when it comes to being emotionally hurt and spent, but I’m hoping maybe by blogging this it will help.

There are a lot of really AMAZING, great things going on with our family right now and eventually I’ll blog about those things, but for now it’s hard to write about the great things when all I can think about are the bad things.

If you made it this far thanks for reading my ramblings. Now I need to go and fix Jesse some lunch and start to get ready for therapy. My next blog will be cheery I promise.


coffeemomof2 said...

I can relate and totally know how you feel. I think that you are a great mom and I have no doubt that! when someone close passes, it always makes you think of loved ones that have passed. Hang in there and lean on all your friends you have. I lubs ya!

Carter Family said...

Erin you know we all lubs you and Im here anytime day or night if you need to call the cell is beside the bed for certain special peoples... Stay Strong and give JMan lots of kisses!!!!

Laura said...

Hey girl. I'm really sorry about your loss. I'm sorry I haven't called you, but I figured you'd want some family time. I'm here for you if you need me. Kiss Jesse for me. Love ya.